I think I might have to redo Shrink Yourself. Not the whole Guided Session thing. I have that stuff down pat. What I need to do is to go back and challenge myself weekly to do things like eat more fruits and veggies; keep in mind the fact that I don't want to be a porker and base my food choices on that; take time and savor my food; get more exercise. Those things.
Other than that, I have gained a bit more knowledge about myself and why I do what I do at dinnertime. AND between meals.
The most important thing is that, in the last 12 weeks, I have finally come to better understand the concept of forgiveness.
It's been coming on little by little and I've had to deal with unpleasant memories that have popped back into my head. There were times that the memories got me so upset I wasn't sure if I'd just puke or if I'd completely lose my mind from sorrow and anger.
Finally, it occurred to me: If someone hates you and treats you poorly for no reason, it's their problem, not yours. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their weakness or arrogance or inner ugliness.
Case in point: I remembered a guy in a Geology class I took, who rubbed me the wrong way. We never exchanged words all semester. In fact, he sat on one side of the room and I sat on the other. We had no interaction whatsoever.
But I couldn't stand him.
Every time I looked at him, I wanted to slap him. Every time he spoke in class, I wanted to run him over with my car. I don't know why. He did me no harm at all. I have no clue why I loathed him so.
Luckily, I had enough brains to know that my best bet was to leave him alone, not pick a fight or start giving him shit. He didn't deserve to be mistreated and I knew it.
In the last couple of weeks, I realized that not everyone has the same wherewithal.
Some people just lack common sense, sensitivity, empathy, good manners, crucial I.Q. points. They cannot mind their own business.
Others are just plain ugly inside. Evil, ugly, and cruel. They abuse everyone in their path.
The more I thought about the ugly ones, the sorrier I felt for them. It's like they're slowly dying of a horrible, incurable disease and they don't even know it.
And I realized that loved ones will hurt you out of weakness, fear, fatigue, sorrow, their own demons. They don't mean to but they do.
This has made me see my own weakness, my own demons and my own form of ugliness.
I think that yesterday morning, I finally started to forgive people.
It's been an incredible relief. I feel like I can breathe again.
I'm also learning that, just because you forgive, you can still dislike the person who hurt you. You can still distrust them. You can still be disgusted with them and with what they did. But you're free, just the same.
I have realized, too, that the concept of forgiveness varies from person to person. I saw Oprah on t.v. one night last week and she was talking about forgiveness. For her, it's accepting that shit happens and learning to deal with that. For me, that's too vague.
For me, it means that if someone is horrible to me, it's his or her problem. It's nothing to do with me. I don't need to apologize for being on this planet. The responsibility is not mine. There's no need to atone.
With this in mind, I was watching Hockey last night and in the middle of a stupid beer commercial, it occurred to me that to abuse yourself because of someone else's abuse, is not the best bet. I completely understand why people who are bullied and abused cut themselves, attempt suicide, binge eat, drink/do drugs, etc. I have abused myself with food for years. I thought about ending it all some years back. I even had a razor blade in my hand on 2 separate occasions. It's all about making the present agony stop. I don't judge anyone who is in this place. I wish I could be of some help to them. I fervently pray that if any of you are in the valley of this shadow, you make it out safe and sound - and soon!
Anyway, when I realized that there's no need to take yourself out of the game just because someone hates you, my first thought was, "Why the hell should I check out? It's not my fault if someone's a miserable bastard". Of course, my next, more perverse thought was, "If someone's going to hate me that bad, I think I'll cause them more suffering by having a hell of a nice life". It stirred my ambitions a little bit. It felt good.
I forgive my cousin Violet. She's a dissatisfied person and full of arrogance. It's the way she was as a kid and it's the way she'll be til the day she dies. It's her problem, not mine.
I forgive the people who bullied me in high school. I neither said nor did a thing to hurt them. The problem, the weakness, the lack of empathy, the ugliness was theirs. I was golden. Their loss. I still hope I never see them again. God willing, I won't. But, I forgive them.
And God willing, I'll soon forgive myself for being a sometimes-weak, imperfect human being who sometimes chooses Option B when she should've chosen Option A.
God willing, self-forgiveness will make me a size 6 in a week.
And so the dance goes on...
