I Have Noticed...

I have noticed that:


- When you wake up in the morning and the first thing that comes out of your mouth is, "I hope So-and-So is at the bottom of Lake Michigan (or large body of water of your choice) with a harpoon through his head", it's probably not going to be a good day.


- The urgency with which you have to relieve yourself grows exponentially, the closer you get to a bathroom.  And when you get there, there's usually a line.


- Big, really big, ridiculously big hair can dramatically improve a bad day. (Example: On Friday morning I was feeling like hell: discouraged, disappointed, mad, frustrated.  At 2 p.m. I had an appointment for a haircut.  I happened to mention to my stylist, in passing, that I thought big hair was cool.  Once the cut was over, he broke out the gel, extra-hold hairspray and big velcro rollers.  When he was done, I looked like Peggy Bundy from Married With Children.  I was tickled pink.  No more doom-and-gloom.  He said that next time I come in, he'll make my hair even bigger!)


- You can be in excruciating agony but the minute you sit in the dentist's chair or hop up on the doctor's examining table, your misery will disappear and you will feel like a big hypochondriac.


- On the nights you need to look/feel really gorgeous and hot, you will put on your seldom-worn, special occasion bra and panties and find in one or both garments, a hole big enough to make wearing them impossible, thus rendering your sexification null and void.


- You can spend an eternity on yourself before some special event - revitalizing or deep cleansing mask, full-body exfoliation, long bath, shave, full-body moisturization, makeup, hair, manicure, pedicure, clothes, shoes, accessories and sexy perfume, and come away looking like a 20-car pileup and guys overlook you, but the nights when you can't be bothered to do more than slap on a careless coat of mascara, a little lip balm, and throw your hair back into a ponytail, you end up looking like a total SEX GODDESS, and the men fight each other to the death over who gets to say hello to you first.  (Been there, done that...more than once, too)


- When you've been mad as hell at somebody for some time and are ready to chew them thoroughly, they do a total 180 and make you feel like an ass for being angry with them.


- Pedicures don't take anywhere near as long to dry as they say they do, but manicures take double the time.


- "New and Improved", usually isn't.


- The minute a new woman starts working on camera for The Weather Channel, it's only about 4-6 months before she's pregnant.  When the pastel wardrobe gets replaced by navy and black clothes, that's the first clue, whether she's showing or not.


- If you're a writer, the minute you fall in love with a certain kind of pen, the company will either "improve" your pen or discontinue it completely.


- People with the brattiest, least-talented children always give them piano lessons and then ask you, after an atrocious, impromptu concert, "Isn't he/she wonderful?"  You can't say no.  All you can do is summon up a sickly smile and nod.  


- People who insist on respect and boundaries are often the ones who cannot take no for an answer.


- You cannot ask some people how they are, because they'll tell you.  And you'll be very, very sorry you inquired.


- Size 10 shoes always sell out first.  


- Pink is NOT the new black.  Neither is gray, blue, peach, red, brown or mint green.


- The uglier a garment or purse or pair of shoes is, the more expensive it will be.


- When someone says his/her dog or cat is friendly and a big ol' love-muffin, it usually means the dog snaps and the cat likes to hide under the couch and hiss at newcomers.


- Smokers tend to be very generous people.


- Men and dogs have the same kind of hearing.  The more you scream, rant, nag and repeat yourself, the less they listen.  


- Men, bless their lovely hearts, are just as gossipy as women.


- Men do not notice whether our eyebrows are perfectly groomed or not.  (The only thing they do notice is a unibrow.)  This means we can start saving more time and money.


-When you least expect it, guys will start checking you out and like what they see.


- Guys are eager to explain the rules of Football, Baseball, etc. to women. Unless one of the guys is my brother.


- Most men have really good taste (except my brother). If you ask a guy what dress he likes better, go with his choice.


- Guys like it when chicks can talk about Classic Rock.  I've had many a lovely conversation with the opposite sex over music.


- Guys love it when a chick goes berserk at sporting events.


- Men like cookies.


- People who make fun of others for their choice of career usually expect freebies from that person (My dad is case in point.  He's a musician.  My mother's family has always looked down on him for it, but whenever one of the bastards dies, the survivors expect him to provide music at the funeral, FREE OF CHARGE, of course. The bastards).


- The best-looking shoes always hurt the most.


- Hospital cafeterias always have the greasiest, fattiest, saltiest, sweetest, unhealthiest (but most delicious) food on the planet. Except the jello.  That shit is always like rubber.


- The more you pay for a coffee drink, the crappier it will be.