It's been a rotten week thus far and it's only Wednesday! It seems as if everyone is at odds with each other. Yesterday I had words with a longtime friend who, I suspect, is not going to be a friend for long. This person and I have been through many of the same situations and her crazy relatives are the twins of the crazies in my family. Yesterday was vile from start to finish. Family drama. Money drama. Car insurance drama. I attempted to vent to this person only to receive a snotty lecture in a nasty tone of voice - apparently it was all my fault and she didn't have the time or stomach for me. Not more than 3 hours later, she wanted to weep on my shoulder. It was on the tip of my tongue to urge her to write a letter to her Congressman but I managed to restrain myself. Needless to say, frustration and fury ruled my brain. The minutiae of her life is infinitely more fascinating than anything that befalls me. I'm sorry but that's not a healthy give-and-take that's supposed to occur in friendships. There's more bullsh*t that's been going on betwixt us but in the interest of brevity and not vomiting, I'm not going to go into it at present.
A couple of hours later, I was obliged to do some grocery shopping and as I plodded woodenly though the food aisles at Wal Mart it occurred to me that I can no longer blame my sh*tty life on the b*stards in my past, nor can I use their nastiness as an excuse to not live a good life. I did not receive this insight with rejoicing. The concepts of stopping-the-blame and no-more-excuses are easy for me to grasp but there's a huge difference between grasping and putting into practice. I feel like I deserve something for pain and suffering even though I know that life and the universe do not work that way. I know that I'll be singing Zippety-Do-Dah out my backside before I get some version of danger pay or apologies or severance. Life and the universe don't work that way, either.
I'm completely non-plussed. I'm not sure what people want from me and I'm not sure what to do. The feedback I'm getting is that what I want/think/feel isn't important and that who I am is unacceptable. And it's not just from this person but from a number of people in my life. I get the feeling that what they want is a silent, blindly obedient punching bag. I'm wondering if they're right. Am I to live in silence and solitude or just tell them all to f-off, steal a vacant cop car, drive to Vegas with a Jim Beam bottle stuck in my mouth and spend the next 8 months dancing on tabletops, fornicating, gambling, getting into fist fights - generally having good, clean fun? I don't know if I'm the a**hole or if I'm surrounded by misguided a**holes. This is partly what's holding me back. In the back of my mind is this feeling that unless I'm perfectly wonderful, 24/7, I don't deserve good things. The front of my mind knows this is ridiculous but both back and front know that I am highly imperfect, a sinner at times. It trips me up every damn time.
Maybe I should find my way to Vegas anyway. It might not solve anything but at least a drunken wedding to an Elvis-impersonator would be an interesting distraction. With any luck "Elvis" would have a regular job as a therapist.
1 comment:
Has the relationship with your friend always been this bad, or was this time a lot worse than usual? If this was a one-off, I think you need to give your friend a break. You sound really angry in this post, but I think it's possible that your friend's got stuff going on too that's making life hard for her as well at the moment. If snotty remarks and lectures are out of character for her (and especially since she later wanted to 'weep on your shoulder' - a sure sign that something's wrong) then maybe she's just really stressed too and you guys clashed.
Praying for you x
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