Meet the 8th Dwarf - B*tchy.

I'm in a vile mood.  Did anything bad happen today?  On the contrary.  I had a good night's sleep, woke to a glorious sunrise, snarfed down a nice breakfast.  What's got me in a filthy humor is exercise.  I was going to stop fooling around and resume T-Tapp last Saturday morning, but some unexpected house guests arrived.  Then, for a few days after they left, I just couldn't be bothered.  But I knew I had to get started.  Last Tuesday's pants trauma was still fresh in my mind.  This morning, I finally made time to exercise.  It was miserable.  I hated every single minute of it.  I resented every drop of sweat and every beat of my heart.  I had just enough wind in me to heap invective on the poor lady on the dvd.  I was cheesed off when I started the video and simply foul when it was over.  And I'm still mad.  I am not the kind of person who enjoys exercise.  My idea of a good time is to NOT do lunges but to eat french fries while watching others jog.  The kind of physical activity I like is the kind that doesn't feel like formal exercise.  When I go to my friend's farm I love to help milk goats and pitch hay, stack wood and weed the garden.  I like to hike through the woods.  I also like to dance (though I'm terrible at it) and play tennis (I could use more instruction).  Though I have to bribe myself to get going, I can tolerate weight training and I find walking agreeable.  Suffice it to say, I went into T-Tapp with a lousy mindset.  Because I'm a beginner, I had to do the Instructional portion of the workout.  It's recommended that beginners do this a minimum of 7 times before moving on to the regular workout, to accustom themselves to the movements.  I've done the Instructional about 4 times before today so I am hoping to move to the regular workout after a few more times at this stage.  Let me tell you, Instructional is tough.  It moves slowly so Teresa can explain what's going on.  Trying to hold position (feet hip-width apart, knees bent and twisted out over the little toes, butt tucked, shoulders back and lats locked) while she speaks at length is like being in the 5th ring of Hell.  It's a good thing that results are quick because I'd throw in the towel otherwise.  I was drenched with sweat 15 minutes into the video and by the time I was done, my entire body was shaking.  Apparently this is a good sign.  It means that all your muscles got a jolly-good workout.  For all intents and purposes, I wanted to die.  I know that the first couple of sessions are very hard and that by Day 4 it's much, much easier, but I was discouraged.  I have quite a bit of slop to shift.  The idea of suffering this much in order to lose a few pounds was devastating.  I began to castigate myself for gaining weight in the first place.  Then, I realized that I painted myself into a corner.  If I want a better body and less trauma in the fitting room, I have to do what I don't want to do.  And if I want the kind of life I have been envisioning for the past few weeks, I will have to do other things that are unappealing.  Not much of a choice, really.  Either be miserable now and contented later or sit on my duff and continue to be miserable, possibly digging the hole deeper as time goes by.  Oh goody!

I suppose the way to go about this is to stop dwelling on the negative.  I have a terrible tendency to dwell on things.  The other morning, a wonderful preacher by the name of Joyce Meyer, said that a person can really mess themselves up - to the point of becoming deeply depressed - by dwelling on negative things.  After tapping, I checked my Facebook and read the following by T-Tapper Charlotte Siems:  "Toxic thoughts may pop into your head but you don't have to water and fertilize them".  For the past week that seems to have been the theme: Don't dwell on crap.  Could my dwelling have contributed to years of emotional eating that led to gaining weight?  It's possible.  Heaven knows that dwelling and unforgiveness go hand in hand, and I have a hard time forgiving.

It all comes down to making a choice doesn't it?  And having courage.  Being brave enough to choose to endure "misery" now in order to be more satisfied at this time next year, just like forgiveness is a choice.  So, I continue my day and attempt to stop dwelling on my bad mood.  Who knew this getting a life thing would be two steps forward, one step back?