I spent the better part of an hour on the phone late this afternoon, trying to give an ear and advice to the lovelorn. A friend called wanting to know if she should wait around for the guy she's been seeing. Apparently, he's just 2 months past a painful divorce and says he still has some feelings for his ex. His ex cheated and lied and prevaricated, yet now that the decree is final, she wants him back. My friend tried not to fall for him but she did. She tends to be susceptible. He told her to wait til November, as his workload was kind of crazy and the divorce was crazy, etc. Then, he sort of gave her the runaround. She's wondering if he's just scared and if she should wait. I told her no. She wanted to know if she should give up the dream of a husband and kids. I said absolutely not. I told her to spend the time from now to November getting over this. I suggested going on a little vacation if possible. Getting out. Trying new things. Offering her ears and a shoulder to cry on to other friends. I said that if it's meant to be he'll come back but not to hold her breath. I said that since he's in pain right now he's not thinking/seeing straight and that he needs time. I said it sounded to me like he has been treating her as more of a coping mechanism and distraction than potential girlfriend material. She said she doesn't think she'll get over it. I said she was selling herself short. Did I do right? Things have been rocky with this friend over the past couple of years and a weird vibe of competition has cropped up, which is something I've never experienced with friends before. I've been irritated with and sick of this person, but she got crying and before I knew it I was trying to calm her down and set her straight. I don't know...did I say the right thing? As mad as she can make me, I'd hate to be responsible for her missing out on "The One". At the same time, to wait til November for something that's not a sure thing seems to be the recipe for more grief. It's not like she can get those 4 months back. And what if, in those 4 months, he goes crazy with the ladies, having one-night stand after one-night stand, booty call upon booty call? I suggested she take a break from dating, take a break(but don't give up on) from the dream, heal, try new things, make me a bacon sandwich...
I don't know if I'm qualified to give advice. I'm mooning over some damn guy who may or may not know I exist. C.G. is NOT a sure thing. I feel kind of like a hypocrite.
Damn.
4 comments:
I fully agree with you that she should not wait around for this person. This guy obviously needs some time to get his stuff together and I say good on him for being upfront with her about it.
She can take that time to get over him (get a new hobby, go out to parties & events, buy a new book to read or whatever), and if he calls her in November then great... if not, then she is over him and no harm no foul.
Best of luck to her (and to you having to put up with her) ox
I think you were right. It really doesn't sound like he's in the right place to be in a new relationship at the moment. I would say even November might be pushing it. I think it's right that she doesn't wait around for him. If he IS 'The One', then there'll be another, better opportunity in the future when he's in a better place. Otherwise, you're right - she'd be selling herself short.
See, I think November is pushing it, too. I told her that after a divorce that bad he might need more than just a few months; he might need 1-2 years before getting serious again. I also brought up the possibility of him going crazy with other women now that the divorce is final and he's still in turmoil. It seems to me that if I had to pick the lesser of the two evils, a series of one-night stands would be a lot less harmful for him emotionally (and the ladies with whom he gets involved), than would throwing himself into a relationship he's not yet equipped to handle. She thinks the guy is a saint but I have my reservations and it wouldn't surprise me if, now that he's free, he has one booty call after another.
Well, with the information she's given me today, she's going to do what she wants to do and what she wants to do is wait for him. I wish I could get back the hour her call took from me.
I'm sorry she didn't take your advice. But no, don't regret the time you spent trying to help her. At least you tried and even if she doesn't appreciate that right now, I bet there'll come a time when she's glad you were honest with her. You did the right thing. But sometimes doing the right thing still won't guarantee the perfect result.
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