I've been pondering the idea of alter egos and evil twins this afternoon. A few years ago, as I was standing in the checkout line at the grocery store, I picked up a copy of Cosmopolitan to kill time. One of the articles I read talked about taking risks, dealing with uncertainty and conquering fear. One of the pieces of advice recommended embracing the "dark side" of yourself, and letting your "evil twin" have control, because the evil twin doesn't have the hang-ups and fears of the individual, plus, she's usually a hell of a lot more fun. Letting her rule from time to time can get good results and bring about more fulfillment. As I thought about this, I remembered an interview I took on Facebook a couple of years ago. One of the questions was, "Describe your evil twin". I described her as being unapologetically sexy. She dressed in red, low-cut dresses, showed cleavage and leg, wore stilettos and lots of smoky eye makeup, had big hair, was bold and fearless and didn't give a damn what people thought. She didn't sit on her duff, whining and pining, she put on her red dress and high heels, applied some shriekingly bright lipstick, hiked up her boobs, added a bit more eyeliner and a healthy blast from her bottle of Opium and took on the world with her head held high and her chest out. No fear, no guilt. Sexy and bold - but with a heart. My evil twin doesn't put up with any crap but she also doesn't like to hurt anyone. It's been a long time since I've allowed her to come out a little. Because I fear disapproval and punishment, I have never really let her come out and run things. I guess I don't trust her not to do something foolish and harmful. That's not fair, because my evil twin also has tons of brains, and I don't let her go full-throttle, just like I haven't allowed my normal self to go full-throttle, either. Now, enough whining...she wouldn't like it. She wouldn't do it, either.
This whole thing makes me wonder: What if my evil twin is actually the true and good side? What if her being in charge would bring about A LOT more good than bad? What if this whiny, weak-willed, stuck-in-the-past me is the evil side? I know that if I let the bad girl rule, I would run into a lot of opposition and disapproval, and it would come from people who are, to be frank, scared shitless of their own shadows. They were raised never to talk back, never to speak up, never to defend themselves, and to fear authority, especially God. Somebody was gonna get 'em, otherwise. It's now longer 1960 and their views just aren't working for me. Take the typical 16-18-year old of 2011...if you dumped this kind of crap on them, they'd make a rude gesture, say a few rude words and go on to do their own thing.
I swear, guilt, shame and fear are the worst emotions there are (besides hatred) and the threat of guilt/shame/fear is one of the worst things to hold over someone's head. One of the worst things a person can do to him/herself is to try to be someone else. I know, because I've done that a lot and the results have not been good.
But I digress.
Right now, Lily, as you know me, is my online alter ego - the whole privacy/discretion thing, remember? Lily has a lot of the traits of my evil twin, although I let too much of my own whining get in. What didn't occur to me until last night is that, traditionally, lilies are seen as a symbol of purity. "Lily" is not pure. She's not a tramp, but she's not some archaic idea of what a nice girl ought to be. Maybe she should be behind the wheel.
I guess the trick is going to be to allow her more freedom while not letting fear of disapproval and "consequences" keep her back. Cool, sexy chicks don't like being repressed. Lily's ticked off and ready to chew through the muzzle, bite a few fingers. I think she'd be a lot tougher than the fear if I'd allow her to be. It won't happen in 24 hours but maybe that's o.k. Maybe the evolution will be the fun part.
Nota Bene: Isn't the new Lady Gaga song, "Edge of Glory" the coolest? I cannot get it out of my head.
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