If It Has Tires Or Testicles...

This is the 2nd morning in a row that I've awakened well before the crack of dawn.  Yesterday I was roused around 4 a.m. by two birds having a domestic altercation in the bush outside my window.  This is also the 3rd night in a row that I had strange, inexplicable, and downright awful dreams, i.e. I weighed in at 938 lbs., I was fleeing a madman and chasing after another, I was trying to stop a friend from going to Baltimore to hook up with a scuzzy guy she met whilst playing pool, nuns figured in somewhere, too.  Sometimes I have serious worries about my mental hygiene.  I can't believe my mind conjures this crap up without the aid of alcohol or controlled substances.  I rarely take aspirin and I still dream up Daliesque horrors.

This morning I woke just after 2 a.m., having had one dream after another about answering nature's call - because I actually needed to.  I also awoke to terrible C.G. withdrawal and an urgent need to flee my life for something better.  The need to flee is nothing new.  I feel that every minute of every day.  Impatience, my friends.  It's a pain in the a**.  I laid there in the dark, wishing with every fiber of my being that I could magically, spontaneously transform into a physically gorgeous multi-millionaire so that I could climb in the new car that would also have magically appeared and drive off in search of C.G., and then maybe to Minneapolis/St. Paul, to start a new and fabulous life.  That fantasy killed any chance I might've had of going back to sleep. It's all I've thought of for the past 4 hours and around 3:45 a.m. I thought I'd die, the yearning got so bad.  Yearning, my friends.  It's a pain in the a**, too.  About 15 minutes ago, my mind became lucid and I got to thinking.  Why do women always do this to themselves?  I know I'm not the only smart chick who puts herself through hell over some damn guy who doesn't know she exists.  What if C.G. isn't as great as he seems to me?  If I'm so smart, why have I built him up in my mind so much, when I know doing this is an injustice to us both?  What if I would transform my life and get myself into a position where I could move to the Twin Cities and then find out that I hated it once I got there?  Am I crazy? Finally, the smoke in my head really cleared and I thought to myself, "Damn it, I'm a fool!  If I could spontaneously and magically transform in an instant, and had incredible beauty, unlimited finances, intellectual/social prowess and incredible personal charm, why the hell would I want to surrender all that freedom and limit myself to a guy who may or may not be a horse's a**?  Why would I want to surrender anything and limit myself at all?  Why give up being free and wild?"  Lucidity, my friends.  It shows a girl that she can be a crazy pain in the a**. 

Every now and then, I come up for air and remind myself that he's not the only man alive.  I remind myself that there's a world outside of the Midwest, far outside the Twin Cities.  I remind myself that settling there could be settling, period, and that if I were ever in a position to relocate and do things up in the grand manner, it might be better to try Montreal or Toronto (hello Hockey Hall of Fame!), London or Paris, Boston or Seattle; that there are probably men far superior to C.G., whom I'd have a better chance of making happy and be made happy by them in return.  There's an entire precious universe in being wild and free, of being unattached at present, and, though I have a rather hard time seeing it, an entire world of freedom in my current life.  I saw a sign outside of a shop in Cedarburg a few weeks ago that said, "Life is art.  Paint your dreams".  I am in a position to paint any picture I want right now.  Why limit myself to faded browns and dull greens when there are bright reds and rich purples on the palette?


Reminders, my friends.  They help a girl not to be a pain in the a**.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAI__h-Bxzo